This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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