Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
