my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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