he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
