I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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