i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
