He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
