I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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