I feel like I'm in dance class right now
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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