she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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