Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
