piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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