I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
