Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize