just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
