i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
