So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
