Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
