Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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