When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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