We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
