I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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