sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
