Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
