Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
