1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
