Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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