Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
