omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
