Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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