I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
