no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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