you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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