What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it's like iHOP with fire
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
