My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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