Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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