As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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