K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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