Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
