Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
