I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
