Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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