A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
