I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
