He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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