It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
