every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
