checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
