...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
