She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
