you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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