Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
