i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
