Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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