I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
