you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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