I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
