Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
