She said her name was "party"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
