you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just sucked dick on a ferry
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
