ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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