Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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