He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
