I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
